Well..what's to say? A lot, I suppose. Yeah, an aweful lot. But do I really want to talk about it? Not really. Let's just cut to the facts, yes? Ok, welp, my dad died. In fact, tomorrow it will have been one month. It feels like it's been an eternity. I miss him so much. It's just something that you don't really fully understand until it happens to you. Part of my life died with him. School sucks. I had to drop two classes and I'm falling more and more behind in the classes I have left with each new assignment or project or test. I guess it was just a really shitty time for all of this to happen. I'm supposed to be getting married in a year and becoming my own unit with Gary, and I can't help but feel more and more helpless. I love Gary with all my heart but everyday I'm terrified that something will happen to him and i'll lose yet another man in my life. Gary and my father were the most important people in my life. Gary even understood when I told him that I loved him and my father the same even though he told me he loves me more than anyone else. He just understands how important he was to me. And now, having my father gone, what happens if I lose Gary, too? I really don't know what I would do with myself. So instead of looking forward to each day, i'm terrified every morning that I wake up because I never know when it will be the last day i'll see him or my mom or my brother, or anyone for that matter. So, here I am, stuck in school for who knows how many more semesters and scared to death. 

ok. so. my hamster died yesterday. and the same day. i found out that my dad is really really sick. he became so sick he couldn't recognize my mom. and was virtually unresponsive. shit. god fucking damn it. you know. a couple of weeks ago. he was walking. WALKING. my life was coming back together. we were well on our way to having someone to walk me down the aisle. and now. i'm back. back to the beginning. on the same floor as we were last july. when everything changed. and you know, that hamster had been through it ALL with me. i'm gonna miss him. my chubby bunnie. rest in peace little guy.

One year ago from yesterday, my life changed.

"my dad has a tumor on his brain the size of a marble. my dad is 66 years old. he is 17 years older than my mom. when i was little, i thought everybody died at the age of 60. i used to cry just thinking about it. i can remember one time i cried about it on our way to kearney to go shopping. i just cried. right there in the car, covered in a pink blanket. i don't know how old i was, or why i started thinking about death, but i did. and i cried. and now i am 20 years old. crying. at the reality that my dad might die. i've never been on this side of tragedy before. not like this at least. i've become the person that has to leave the room when talking about it because i can't keep my composure. i'm the one getting the 'your father is dying, you poor thing' looks. the hardest part was hearing him, my dad, my papi, telling us that he's lived a long life and that joe and i have been very special to him and that if anything happens he just wants to know that we are okay and that we take care of mom. i'd never seen my dad cry before. today we cried together. on his hospital bed. it broke my heart. no one even really told me anything about what was wrong. i mean, i thought it was his heart for crying out loud. to walk into that hospital room and sit down and to be told that they've found a brain tumor is a big shock. i sobbed. i hung my head and sobbed. the room was quiet. my brother comforted me but nothing helped. nothing will ever help. i'll never feel better about this. my dad is my hero. he's my favorite person in the whole world. i'm so much like him. i can't believe it. i guess i don't have a choice."

It has been the toughest year of my life. I have experienced so many new things-not all bad, either. We've made it through one year and for that I am so happy. I'm also happy that i've had such a great group of family and friends to be there for me whenever I needed it. And of course, everyday I am so thankful that I have Gary. He's been through a lot of this right along with the rest of my family and he was strong for me the whole time. Even when we thought it was time to say our goodbyes, he was literally the shoulder I cried on. I don't know how I would have made it through without him. This year has had both the best and worst days of my life so far and I'm just so happy that we've all made it through.

...and in my favorite park, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife...

i said 'yes'

i'm far too lazy to put links up. you know where to find me.

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