blog

scared.scarred.

2008-10-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

Well..what's to say? A lot, I suppose. Yeah, an aweful lot. But do I really want to talk about it? Not really. Let's just cut to the facts, yes? Ok, welp, my dad died. In fact, tomorrow it will have been one month. It feels like it's been an eternity. I miss him so much. It's just something that you don't really fully understand until it happens to you. Part of my life died with him. School sucks. I had to drop two classes and I'm falling more and more behind in the classes I have left with each new assignment or project or test. I guess it was just a really shitty time for all of this to happen. I'm supposed to be getting married in a year and becoming my own unit with Gary, and I can't help but feel more and more helpless. I love Gary with all my heart but everyday I'm terrified that something will happen to him and i'll lose yet another man in my life. Gary and my father were the most important people in my life. Gary even understood when I told him that I loved him and my father the same even though he told me he loves me more than anyone else. He just understands how important he was to me. And now, having my father gone, what happens if I lose Gary, too? I really don't know what I would do with myself. So instead of looking forward to each day, i'm terrified every morning that I wake up because I never know when it will be the last day i'll see him or my mom or my brother, or anyone for that matter. So, here I am, stuck in school for who knows how many more semesters and scared to death.

2008-09-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

ok. so. my hamster died yesterday. and the same day. i found out that my dad is really really sick. he became so sick he couldn't recognize my mom. and was virtually unresponsive. shit. god fucking damn it. you know. a couple of weeks ago. he was walking. WALKING. my life was coming back together. we were well on our way to having someone to walk me down the aisle. and now. i'm back. back to the beginning. on the same floor as we were last july. when everything changed. and you know, that hamster had been through it ALL with me. i'm gonna miss him. my chubby bunnie. rest in peace little guy.

One Year

2008-07-16T18:48:00.001-07:00

One year ago from yesterday, my life changed.

"my dad has a tumor on his brain the size of a marble. my dad is 66 years old. he is 17 years older than my mom. when i was little, i thought everybody died at the age of 60. i used to cry just thinking about it. i can remember one time i cried about it on our way to kearney to go shopping. i just cried. right there in the car, covered in a pink blanket. i don't know how old i was, or why i started thinking about death, but i did. and i cried. and now i am 20 years old. crying. at the reality that my dad might die. i've never been on this side of tragedy before. not like this at least. i've become the person that has to leave the room when talking about it because i can't keep my composure. i'm the one getting the 'your father is dying, you poor thing' looks. the hardest part was hearing him, my dad, my papi, telling us that he's lived a long life and that joe and i have been very special to him and that if anything happens he just wants to know that we are okay and that we take care of mom. i'd never seen my dad cry before. today we cried together. on his hospital bed. it broke my heart. no one even really told me anything about what was wrong. i mean, i thought it was his heart for crying out loud. to walk into that hospital room and sit down and to be told that they've found a brain tumor is a big shock. i sobbed. i hung my head and sobbed. the room was quiet. my brother comforted me but nothing helped. nothing will ever help. i'll never feel better about this. my dad is my hero. he's my favorite person in the whole world. i'm so much like him. i can't believe it. i guess i don't have a choice."

It has been the toughest year of my life. I have experienced so many new things-not all bad, either. We've made it through one year and for that I am so happy. I'm also happy that i've had such a great group of family and friends to be there for me whenever I needed it. And of course, everyday I am so thankful that I have Gary. He's been through a lot of this right along with the rest of my family and he was strong for me the whole time. Even when we thought it was time to say our goodbyes, he was literally the shoulder I cried on. I don't know how I would have made it through without him. This year has had both the best and worst days of my life so far and I'm just so happy that we've all made it through.

2008-05-31T20:30:00.002-07:00

...and in my favorite park, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife...

i said 'yes'

KZLA

2008-04-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

Some photos. :]

(http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q175/charleykay/KaylaTrio1copy.jpg)

3.9.08

2008-03-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

aww...

we're cute.

2008-01-27T16:53:00.000-08:00

I love my job. I really do. For those of you who do not know, I am now employed by Lincoln Espresso. Yes, friends, I am a barista. Having only worked there for the better part of 3 weeks, I can already tell that this job was meant for me. I ADORE almost everyone I work with. They're all unique in their own ways. There are 4 diffrent shops around lincoln and soon to be five. They're super cute. Life in general these days is quite pleasant, actually. Things with work are great, things with school are a little crazy but good, nonetheless. And things with Gary are fantastic. AND i'm going to florida on the 8th to celebrate Kayla's 21st birthday with her and her family. It's going to be soo much fun. I'm so excited to get out Nebraska and this freezing cold weather. Although, it was a balmy 50 degrees out a couple days ago. It felt fantastic. Anyway, that's about as exciting as my life gets these days.

2008-01-09T22:23:00.000-08:00

my teeth fucking hurt.

sappy but happy.

2008-01-07T18:41:00.000-08:00

I am such a happy camper. This is going to be sappy, so prepare yourselves. I really like Gary. I've never met anyone that cared so much about me. I don't think i've ever cared so much about someone else, either, for that matter. He really takes care of me and I like that. It's something that i've needed for a long time. It shocks me that he cares about me the way that he does. I never feel like I deserve someone like him. It amazes me and it's such a good feeling.
Christmas break feels like it just won't end. I'm soooo sick of being out of school. I'm ready to go back so I can get done with it. It doesn't help that i'm currently unemployed, either. I took a temporary job at Nebraska Book Company a few weeks ago, but it was terrible. One of the supervisors kept yelling at a guy I work with and called him a dick a few times. She was yelling at us for having fun while we were working, It was crap. So I quit. Oh well. So now, once again, i'm on the lookout for a new job. wooo...ugh.
So anyway, I guess that's my life right now. Unemployed, out of school, spending the majority of my time at my boyfriend's house. Eh, I can't complain, actually I am quite happy...finally. :]
i told you it'd be sappy.

2007-11-29T21:34:00.000-08:00

i'm so happy i could burst. it's a wonderful feeling.

2007-11-15T20:51:00.000-08:00

i am awkward, antsy, and ticklish.

i wouldn't have it any other way. :]

what can i say?

life's good at the moment.

2007-11-11T19:02:00.000-08:00

charley has a new friend. his name is gary.

she wanted to hear my story.

2007-11-04T00:42:00.000-07:00

*i apologize for the following depressing rant. please skip to the bottom if you'd like to ignore my self pity. *

do you want the truth? really? are you sure?
because i don't. it's not a pretty scene.
the truth is that i'm tired. i'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired.
the truth is that there are days that i can't get out of bed. i sit in the dark. alone. for hours.
the truth is that i don't know who i am anymore. or how i got here. or why anything happens the way it does.
the truth is that i hate being so fucking alone.
the truth is that i hate who i am. or who i'm pretending to be. or even just the empty way i walk around anymore.
the truth is that i'm stupid. or at least, you make me feel stupid. no, i'm not as brilliant as you are, but lay off, okay?
the truth is that i miss her. sometimes i feel like i'm missing a part of myself.
the truth is that i'm scared that i'm right about knowing that she'll never come back. and that i'll never actually be happy.
the truth is that i'm not sure there is no god. i'm scared to death of the possibility that there actually could be.
the truth is that i'm angry. all the time. i'm just so angry.
the truth is that i'm always thinking. analyzing. every move. every word. every fucking breath. what if they laugh? what if i say something stupid? what if my pants are too short? what if my hair is sticking up? what if i answer this question wrong? what are they thinking about me? are they making fun of me? are they going to go home and tell their stupid friends about the ugly girl in class today? what if they're right?
the truth is that i'm going to be alone forever. it's been 20 years. i've yet to come close to a significant other.
the truth is that i'm afraid to make friends because i'm afraid they'll all leave me. everyone else has. [with exceptions]
the truth is that everything that is supposed to help, be supportive, only makes it worse.
the truth is that i can't get through a day without feeling like crap.

***

i'm just tired. and scared. i'm scared of myself and the things that i think and feel. i know that everyone has problems and it's just life and knowing this only makes me feel worse about my own damn self pity. but i honestly can't help it. i try so hard everyday to just have a good day and it's such a struggle. some days are better than others, thankfully. but when they're bad-they're really bad. i'm getting help though, i guess. i just hope it really helps.

***

on the bright side of things school is going well. i'm getting decent grades this semester and i'm actually attending class on a regular basis. i couldn't be more excited about that. the only thing that scares me is that i owe a lot of my class attendance to nick. having a roommate is great incentive to go to class. it's so different from last year. last year i spent almost an entire week shut up in my apartment and no one knew any different. it's a grim existence to know that you can lock yourself in your apartment, away from the world, and no one knows your missing. it hurts. like a bitch. it made going to class really hard. i dropped out of all but 2 classes that semester-and failed one of them. great job, charley. no wonder you're behind in credits. but things are better. i just don't want to have to rely on nick or any roommate for that matter, to make myself go to class or work. no one should have to rely on others like that.

my job has it's ups and downs. i don't work much but i suppose that's good so i can concentrate on school but i'm definitely poor. you wouldn't believe how many meals of cereal i've eaten in the past few months. that alone could depress someone. :] i'm currently looking for another job. something a little more hands on. i get too bored just answering phones and taking phone orders. it's so boring and it just makes me crabby. the pays okay but the hours aren't great with my schedule right now. i only get around 4 hours a day on the days i can work so it makes it hard to get a decent amount of hours.

i'm not looking forward to winter. my mom bought me snow boots. which only made me imagine my long walks to school at 7:30 in the morning trudging through snow and muck and freezing my tush off. i think there's a bus i can take though so lets hope that works out.

i've been having ups and downs about my major lately. i have serious doubts in my skill level. i just don't know if i have what it takes to hack it as a professional designer. what if what i think looks good looks like crap to everyone else? i'm sure that this sudden self doubt is due in large part to my mood lately so i'm trying not to let it get to me. in fact, i'm going to try to start to make some holiday cards here soon. as soon as i get a little inspiration. even though i'm not excited about winter, i'm always excited about the christmas season. i can decorate a christmas tree like nobody's business. i wish you could make a career out of it. that would be my dream job. i'm not even kidding. i enjoy it THAT much.

okay, it's now time i try to get some sleep. thanks to daylight savings time i get a whole extra hour to sleep. ah, i love fall.

again, sorry for my depressing rant. it just helps to get it out sometimes.

2007-10-23T23:04:00.001-07:00

charley is: just sad.

restless charley syndrome.

2007-10-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhhhhhhh....i am SOOOO co-dependant. it makes me sick. i really dislike being alone for too long. now, don't get me wrong, i DO enjoy some quality charley-time and i like to have some time alone be be all girlie and do things like pluck my eyebrows or exfoliate or try new hair styles but after that i'm ready for people. i even get bored when nick locks himself in his room to play xbox for hours on end. IT DRIVES ME NUTS! at least play in the living room so i can watch and be around humans. i end up just walking around the apartment cleaning things or organizing something or moving furniture. i'm completely insane like that. and i can't just do nothing, either. i have to be painting or writing or sketching or knitting or cleaning or painting my tonails or reading or playing the piano or organizing or SOMETHING. i think that's why i get bored so easily. needing to do something all the time requires a lot of things to do and when i run out i'm completely fucked. like now. i just get so restless. i need to move. to walk. to run. to skip. to swing. to talk. to laugh. to do SOMETHING!

2007-10-05T22:32:00.001-07:00

sometimes i just. want. to. scream.

kaylaface

2007-10-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

reasons kayla needs to move back to nebraska:
seriously one of the best days of my life. EVERYDAY was a good day--even the bad ones.
from kayla's livejournal:

September 30, 2005

09:33 am: .
I thought last night was going to be a waste. Sorority girls. Frat boys. Composite return for Acacia. (Say it will me: Ah-Kay-Sha.) Boys singing made up songs. Hanging out. BBQ. Volleyball. Who wants to do that? Not me. Yea right.

Last night rocked.

We like to steal composites. These things are huge mother fuckers that weigh like a million pounds. They have everyone's picture in the frat on them. It takes two people to carry it. How to steal a composite? Sneak into the house. Grab the huge thing off the way. Run like hell.

I didn't know it was illegal.

After you steal them, you decorate them. You want to make the boys as embarassed as possible. You write mean comments on it with special glass markers. You put streamers of blue and white around the edges. You write about how much they love ADPi. You draw big eyebrows on the "tools" and put crowns on the mean fuckers. You put beads around necks and feathers in hair. And then you laugh at the composite. You laugh until you can't laugh anymore. And your pants are wet.

There were seven of us in the begining. All listening to Kate bad mouthing our president, and trying to get other people to come. At 5 it was time to go. Our plan was to walk down the hall, go down the elevator, and walk (without making a scene) to the outside world. Imagion how hard this is with a huge 3x4 foot composite with streamers flying everywhere. JV and Charley were the main carriers. I thought my only use was being the cheerleader.

I was gong to walk down the stairs. They called me back. In the elevator, there were JV, Charley, Chrystal and I. In the elevator JV and Chrystal were talking about how Charley and I are freshman. We can't get in trouble. I kinda freaked out. There was a chance of us getting trouble? But...I went along with it anyway. Just because how can you say no to a huge fucking composite...and your diamond sister?

But, I didn't know my job was to be a blocker.

As soon as we walked off the elevator, one of those higherup's walked by. He pretened not to see us. If you don't look, it's not happening, right? I was busy looking at the boys. JV told me to walk faster. That's when I realized why I was there. Me and Chrystal...blocking the view of passerbys. Boys walked by us and giggled, and cover their mouths.Outside we met some other ADPi people.

Then we piled illegally into 4 vehicles.

It was akward. All of us girls in the basement of the Acacia house. Silence. Afraid of sitting. Afraid of standing. Afraid of seeing wet things. It was a frat house, after all. Over the intercom, a voice said for all Acacia boys to report to the basement. And boys came into the living room area. All with hats on. Somberos, hunting hats, and winterly fured hats filled the room. Songs were sung. Them, two. Us, one. I "called" two boys. Justin. Big Kyle. *sigh*

Justin showed us their trophies. Some of them were from our 8 Ball Tourni. Then we played foosball. Justin and I on a team. Charley and Steve on a team. Steve was frightening. He shook my hand in the middle of the game to introduce himself. I sucked. Justin thought it was funny. He touched me. I froze. Good going, Kayla. We won. High fives. I was an awesomely sucky goalie.

Food. Burgers the size of your fucking head. I ate bread and pretzels. And drank koolaide. At a table with Charley, Lisa, and a quiet girl from Neihardt. Justin thought we looked lonely and boyless. He sat by me.

Volleyball. You know me. Balls come out, magented towards me. I didn't play. I talked to Charley and JV. Justin came out. *silence* *smiles and gigles* *I love him-type looks* JV told us that we're awesome at conversations. Kate came over. JV told her about our awesome coversational skills. "Charley's all like 'volleyball!!' and Kayla's all like 'He's so pretty!'"-JV.

Within minutes, Kate loved me. Thank you nonthinking mind and open mouth!

"You're my new best friend. You're so punky...and YOU'RE IN A SORORITY!"-Kate to me.

Confessed love. Open mouths. Drooling. "There's a kitty on his pants!" Laughs. Wedgies. Volleyball balls flying into the street. Running boys. M&M's flying into Kate's shirt. Pool. Home video's. "Come sit by me."

"Go sit by Kyle."-Kate "I can't. I might pounce on him."-Me

They were going to give me money to pounce. I didn't do it.

Four hours of frat boys. Four hours of staring with open mouths. The perks of being a sorority girl.

2007-09-04T00:17:00.001-07:00

i am restless but tired.

park.

2007-08-18T14:04:00.001-07:00

there's a park a block away from our apartment. i love it more than words can possibly describe. it's strangely beautiful. it's so out of place in this ghetto that i live in. it's calm and quiet. i love when people come and go. it fills the grassy space with parents and their children and their giggles and screams and 'mommy can we swing?s.' i love it. i get so worn out by all the ugly 70's aluminum siding and decaying houses with unwanted belongings scattered around the lawn. this is different. it's comforting in a quiet sort of way. like a warm blanket. it's pretty. that's what it is. pretty.

2007-08-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

"i sat in my room all day naked, eating cereal and watching action movies. it was the best day ever!"

yeah, that's what i live with.

2007-08-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

i used to say that i survived kayla crouse. now, i think it's more like i survived one year without her. i wonder how many more i'll have to survive.

2007-08-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

fact #90- my favorite part of summer is the smell of juniper and lilac on a breezy day.

border line bulimia

2007-07-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

sometimes i scare myself.

cancer.

2007-07-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

my dad has a tumor on his brain the size of a marble.

my dad is 66 years old. he is 17 years older than my mom. when i was little, i thought everybody died at the age of 60. i used to cry just thinking about it. i can remember one time i cried about it on our way to kearney to go shopping. i just cried. right there in the car, covered in a pink blanket. i don't know how old i was, or why i started thinking about death, but i did. and i cried. and now i am 20 years old. crying. at the reality that my dad might die. i've never been on this side of tragedy before. not like this at least. i've become the person that has to leave the room when talking about it because i can't keep my composure. i'm the one getting the 'your father is dying, you poor thing' looks. the hardest part was hearing him, my dad, my papi, telling us that he's lived a long life and that joe and i have been very special to him and that if anything happens he just wants to know that we are okay and that we take care of mom. i'd never seen my dad cry before. today we cried together. on his hospital bed. it broke my heart. no one even really told me anything about what was wrong. i mean, i thought it was his heart for crying out loud. to walk into that hospital room and sit down and to be told that they've found a brain tumor is a big shock. i sobbed. i hung my head and sobbed. the room was quiet. my brother comforted me but nothing helped. nothing will ever help. i'll never feel better about this. my dad is my hero. he's my favorite person in the whole world. i'm so much like him. i can't believe it. i guess i don't have a choice.

dad.

2007-07-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

TaDa! New Blog Skin. It's....okay? Oh well, it'll do for now. I needed change desperately. In other news, my Dad is in the hospital. I'm really really scared. My dad means the world to me. I'm his little girl and I'm not ready to let that go away. They're not sure what's wrong for sure, they've found some spots on his heart and they're doing a biopsy tomorrow to find out what it is. Then it's a long 2-3 days later before we actually know what's wrong. It's a weird feeling when a situation like this comes up and you don't believe in a God to pray to. To realize that there's nothing you can do is a strange feeling. It's the first time since discovering atheism, that I've ever felt the need to pray, and now I don't know what to do. I guess the only thing I can do is have faith in my dad and the doctors helping him and hope for the best. But I'm not going to stop any of you believers out there from praying for him...just in case I'm wrong about God. :]

(another) new job.

2007-07-12T00:35:00.001-07:00

okay...i desperately need a new blog skin. this one is FAR too happy/kitsch/girlie and just completely not me as of lately.
so, tonight i had actual social interaction. i went to a movie after i got off work with my friend Amanda and her friend James. it was quite fun, actually, even though the movie was a tad on the lame side of life. we saw Transformers and though i enjoyed Shia LeBouf in his new found semi-sex appeal, the super nice cars they used, and the pretty visuals of everything blowing up and whatnot, the storyline was a bit too much for me. it was just super unbelievable and i have a hard time getting involved in movies like that. not to mention much of the acting was crap. the heroine of the movie couldn't act to save her life and the secretary of defense also could have used a tip or two. we had originally gone to see the new harry potter flick which was, of course, sold out. even for a 9:45 showing. i wasn't completely surprised, we didn't get to the theater until almost 9:30. i was disappointed we didn't get to see harry, though, i was excited about it.
today i started yet another new job. i am now working for Dr. Leonard's Healthcare. It's a catalog of home healthcare products used primarily by the elderly. so basically i take orders all day and chat with old people. i'm kind of excited. with a phone you don't have to deal directly with the person and if they're bitches we can send them along to a supervisor. i can handle phone calls with old people for 8 dollars an hour. and after a few weeks i'll train for customer service and move up to 8.25 and then a couple weeks after that i'll move up to 8.50 (provided my productivity is okay). so i'm pretty excited that i'll no longer be bagging groceries for 6.50 an hour anymore. i really hope that this perks up my summer a little bit. i've been kind of bummed out these past few weeks. i know exactly why i've been bummed out and there's really nothing i can do about it except be a decent person and move on with my life. just pretend it's not there. it's going to be the hardest thing i've ever done. in fact, i doubt i'll be able to do it at all, so my only other option is to find something or someone to distract me.

2007-07-02T00:52:00.000-07:00

steph, you were right. when i golf, i swear like a truck driver. i went golfing twice this weekend. it was so much fun. i really wish i would have tried harder in high school. the first day i was a little rusty but still much better than anything i ever shot in high school. i wasn't good by any means but i'd say i was in the mid 50's, which for me is fantastic. then we went back out this morning and i birdied 4 AND 5 and i almost parred 9. i would have if i would have had a better fairway shot but there were a bunch of people around and i got distracted. i think today i was mid 40's. i was so excited. my drives were so pretty. my brother only out-drove me by like 10 feet on almost half the holes. and if you know my brother or at least his size and strength, then you'd know that that's pretty cool. and he's fairly good. i think he might have been over par for the course by just a few this morning. unfortunately we didn't have enough room to bring my clubs back to lincoln (not that i'd have enough money to golf here regularly anyway) so i guess i'll just have to wait to do some more golfing next time i go home.

i hate russ's market.

2007-06-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

i hate my job. there's just something tedious about scanning groceries for 8 hours. and oh, i'm sorry, the ONE apple you bought rang up as 1.49 instead of 80 cents. i'm sorry that you waited 20 minutes to have a manager come over and give you your 60 cents. yes, yes you did bring one bag, so of course we'll credit you a whole 5 cents for that. congratulations for 25 minutes you save 65 cents!! way to go! okay, so it doesn't help that i'm sick and nicks in lc so i'm bored off my ass and a little lonely as it tends to get around here without someone else around. oh yeah, and i was late for work today. hooray... i wrote down last weeks schedule. great. uggghhh....i just wish i wasn't so tired. i'm usually overly friendly at work. and now i don't even smile. i hate being sick. i should have went to the doctor today like my mom told me too but no, i thought i was feeling better. i just hope it's not mono again. i dont think it is. i think it's just a cold. and it's just wearing me out. at least tomorrow is my day off. and the day after that. but then it's back to the daily grind once again. poo.

andrew.

2007-06-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

well, i'm infatuated with a boy from work who is not only completely out of my league (he's amazing) but is also leaving in like a week to go teach trombone/tuba at a summer camp in maine. i am completely bummed. AND i found him on myspace but he's one of those silly people who make their profiles private so i can't even stalk him properly. (oh, you know you all do it, too) and i can't just add him because i've only known him for a few days. *sigh* he said he might come back to work at Russ's during the fall which means if i ever want to see him gain i'll have to keep working at Russ's until he comes back. well, at least i have incentive to go to work? dang it. he's just so clean looking. yes, i said 'clean.' he is. take my word for it. he even watches Futurama. how cute. I watch Futurama. we'd be just so dang cute. alas, it will have to wait.

disappointment.

2007-06-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'm the type of person that sets themself up fordisappointment. And i'm tired of it. In other news, I think this is what we've come up with for local celeb. sorry to disappoint you all if you think it's crap, but I, personally, am okay with it.

MORE!

2007-06-04T17:21:00.001-07:00

ok, kids. how about these? the yellow one is very...typical of a lot of graphic art lately, but sadly i like it. and the black and white one is just one i did because they wanted something black and white.

local celeb.

2007-05-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

sometimes life is weird. i'm learning to accept that.
so, i've been working on some album covers for one of Nick's bands, Local Celebrity. So, here they are, let me know what you think, if you like 'em, hate 'em, or which one you like/hate the most.

back from STL

2007-05-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

i'm back. and i'm not happy about it. i already miss it. miss them. it's not the same. life feels different there. there were things i was happy to come home to, but once those things are gone all i realize just how much i want to go back. i belong there. with them.

STL

2007-05-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I go to St. Louis with Kayla and her family where I will spend a week discovering Kayla's new life. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of a lot of things. I'm scared of going and wanting to come home. And I'm afraid of going and not wanting to come home. I only have one thing here that is keeping me around and sometimes I wonder if even that is worth it. I know I'm going to have fun but I can't help but be terrified of going. I will be flying alone for the first time but I have no ride from the airport. Doesn't exactly make a person anxious to arrive. I don't know. It has been such a weird year without Kayla. She's had a huge impact on my life in ways that I couldn't even begin to describe and I'm scared of facing the truth about my own life and what really matters. It's weird how life changes. People change. I change. I can't tell if I'm really excited to go or scared shitless. It's driving me crazy. I KNOW I will have a good time, so what is holding me back? Why am I so afraid of going? I'm afraid of losing my best friend again. I've lost a lot of them throughout the years in one way or another and I don't think I can deal with losing this particular one again. Once was hard enough. Ugh, it's so silly. Why do I make things so complicated? I'm getting ready to go visit a friend for a whole week and here I am making everything more difficult than it really should be. Oh well, I suppose that's just me.

: [

2007-05-16T00:13:00.000-07:00

sometimes something so close to you can feel even even farther away than before it began. it's an empty feeling that i dont like. how can you miss something you never had? i dont know, but apparently you can. because i do.

T

2007-05-15T09:48:00.001-07:00

Fact #7: I make the horizontal part of the 't' before the vertical.

charley was canned.

2007-05-11T16:26:00.000-07:00

Today was a weird day. I got up, hung out with nico for a little while, got ready for work, and left. I got to work wearing my usual apathy about my job but after I was dressed and ready to go, I was more in the spirit of things. Out at the front desk, I stand and wonder why there are two people on duty when there are only 32 arrivals that night and not a whole lot going on. Jane (my boss) soon comes over and tells me she needs to talk to me. We head to the back and Jane babbles with mindless chatter. She then leads me into Steve, our human resources guy's office. We sit and Jane looks nervous. My heart begins to beat faster as they begin to talk about me and my performance at the desk. They tell me what a wonderful person I am, how great of a personality I have, but that they just didn't think that I was suited to work at the desk. They had to let me go. That's when it hit me; I was fired. Trying to hold my composure as they finish talking, I think of mostly how embarrassed I am. I couldn't believe that I was actually being fired. This has never happened to me before. Jane tells me that I can either stay and work or go home. Of course I chose to go home. After all, I was sobbing. I cried as I changed out of the Olive Drab uniform, I cried on my way out the door, I cried up the stairs to the parking garage, and sat in my car for a while and cried some more. By the time I made it to my apartment, I tried to keep myself together a little in case nick was awake and in the living room. Thankfully, he was not because I certainly was not feeling better yet. I called my mom and was finally able to cheer up a little. By the time nick noticed I was home I was in a better mood and even able to laugh about it a little. I shouldn't be as bummed as I am because really I hated my job. I've hated it since the first day. I mean, in my phone book on my phone, it is listed under "Hell." That should say something. And for the past week I had been thinking about quitting due to the lack of hours. It's just a weird feeling to be unemployed. I've never had to look for a real job. I've always been handed something. In high school I was handed both of my jobs. I didn't even fill out applications, I just started. And when I started at the hotel, I got the job right away mostly because my brother worked there. I didn't even need to think about a different job because that one fit so well. Now I think i'm going to end up working at a grocery store making minimum wage. Weird. Oh well. It will be a good experience I guess and who knows. Maybe i'll like it better than the fucking hotel. The only thing that pisses me off is the fact that they waited a year and a half to decided that I wasn't outgoing enough to work at the desk. You'd think they'd have figured that out a long time ago. And at my last 90 day review, I did great. She talked about how much I had improved and how great I was doing. It was such a shocker to just be fired like that. I never saw it coming. I felt pretty stupid. I still do.

blog skin!!

2007-05-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

eeeeeeeeeee!!! i have my very own blog skin!! okay, so really all i did was take someone else's template and change everything to my pictures, colors, and fonts, but so what. it was so hard to navagate through all that html if you've never had a class over it or anything. ee! i'm so stoked. yay me!

Dear Kayla,

2007-05-06T01:07:00.000-07:00

It's been 1 year, 1 month, and 23 days since I've had a roommate. And today I will get another. Though I think we'll get along great, he will never be Kayla. No one will ever be Kayla, or even compare.

2007-05-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

There's a guy at the restaurant who is so hot he makes my face melt.

Fact#63

2007-05-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

Fact #63: When watching Family Feud, I always root for the Black family.

LAST FINAL!!

2007-05-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

Welp, today's the day. My LAST final. Moving. It's going to be a long day, that's for sure. My parents tend to wear me out anyway so when you combine that with heavy lifting and a small apartment, you get a whole lot of stress. eh, i'm sure it will be okay. On the bright side, i have the majority of my stuff already moved. All of my boxes, my clothes, my pillows and decorative whatnots are already in the apartment waiting for me to unpack them. I'm so excited about my room. I love decorating. The fact that I usually move my furniture once every three months should say something. I know, its crazy, but i can't help myself. Guilty pleasure.
My last final is in three hours. I have no ambition whatsoever. I could care less about this test, and I hate that. I've done fairly well this semester and I should care about how I do, but I look at the review and my mind blanks.
I just found out Justin Chambers has been married for 15 years and has 5 kids. Weird. He looks much younger than that. See, I told you I look at the review and i think of Justin Chambers.

dear maggie, i'm sorry.

2007-05-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

The quiet, lonely life I have made for myself over the past 12 months is packed up in boxes and sitting in my living room. My knick-knacks, my memories, my wishes, are all waiting patiently to find a new home. As excited as I am to move, I was absolutely sick this morning before signing my life away to a 12-month lease. I think I signed away much more than just my residence for a year. I'm a little sad to see a certain aspect of my life come to an end, but it is time. It's time to let go of childish hopes. I'm still so excited to move. Tonight I was at the apartment trying to put a few things away and it just felt right. It felt homey. Lionsgate never had that feeling. At least not until around March.
To add to the nausea from my lease signing, I found out that the friend that I was so mad at for avoiding me and our coffee date did, in fact, tell me what time we would meet, and because my e-mail apparently does not like to alert me when people write on my Facebook wall, I stood her up. I feel horrible. I made an ass of myself to her last year and kind of lost her friendship. I deserved it. But I spent a good portion of this year wishing things could just be good again. Finally, about a week ago, we decided to get coffee. I was so excited. I can't express how much this cup of coffee meant to me. The night before I left her a message asking if we were still on for coffee and come the next afternoon I still hadn't heard anything. I started to panic around noon. It wasn't until about 3:00 that I left her a half-assed msn message saying I couldn't make coffee after all, in an attempt to make myself not look like such a loser. A couple days later I happened to look at my facebook wall to see a few messages from a couple different friends, and there it was. The reply to my question about coffee, along with a note saying that she was there...alone. I was crushed. Not only did I fuck things up last year, but I'm well on my way to have fucked them up this year. Sometimes I disgust myself. If I would have just looked at my wall on sunday night, then this entire mess would have been avoided and I would have been able to have had coffee with a friend that I have so dearly missed. I don't understand how i'm so capable of royally fucking things up. I feel like crap. I just hope she forgives me.

lurve

2007-04-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

Fact #247: I fall in love too easily.

classes

2007-04-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

Today it rained. And rained. And rained. Although, my 8:00 class paid off, as the torrential downpour did not start until the middle of my 3 hour studio ceramics class. Which, by the way, I am done with. Thank God. We had our final critique today and I have to say that the vast majority of my drinking vessels were absolute crap. They were much better pre-glazing. You can't see any of the texture that I put so much effort into. I must have been on acid when glazing my vessels. Most of them aren't even completely glazed. Not even the one project I had the highest hopes for. What was I thinking? Oh well, at least it's over.
I can't believe how much I've neglected my poor blog. I blame the blog skin. The brown is wearin' me down, man. I can't handle much more of it. You can expect (yet another) new blog skin soon.
I have so much packing to do still. It feels like I've packed a lot, but when I look around everything still looks the same; like I've packed nothing at all. It's a bit surreal.
School will be done soon. (Woo!) And the part I'm the most excited for is textbook buyback. I think I have over 200 dollars coming. I hope, at least. I've been running short on cash lately. My problem is that I don't think about the bills that I have coming, so anytime I have some extra money, I go ahead and spend it instead of saving it to pay off my bills and then I end up living paycheck to paycheck once again. Hopefully someday I'll learn....or marry well. ;]

sick sick sick

2007-04-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

i'm at work and i look like death. seriously. i'm a fucking zombie. this cold sucks. i sound all congested. on the brightside, i found out that i did not, in fact, fail my geology test. yay me. i came in with a whopping 72%. but i'm much happier with that than with a failing grade. this way i know i'm going to pass. and both my history test and paper are done. so now all i have to worry about is getting caught up in my mythology class, which i have let slide for the past 4 weeks or so...oops. i should get caught up by wednesday. what a relief to be done with all of my papers and tests. all i have left are finals and it feels great. i'm ready for them. now i can focus on getting packed and ready to move. i can't believe that in two weeks i'll be picking up the keys to a new apartment. how surreal. and i cant believe that i'm living with nick. if someone would have told me 4 years ago that i'd be moving in with nick, i would never have believed them. oh well. i think it will be okay. i hope so at least. i really don't want to end up hating him, or him hating me. he's one of my closest friends. it would be wierd without him. oh well, i'd better get back to work. our general manager is walking around and since i dont want to get canned, i'd better look useful. later days.

vaeagrhtrsjukjut

2007-04-16T05:29:00.000-07:00

i'm sick. and i'm stressed. and i have to work tonight.

in other news, on saturday i worked up the courage to go talk to one of the bands after Rock-a-Wish and asked them if they wanted to hang out. they did. so we did. and it was fun. two of them were completely adorable. i miss them a little, actually.

birthday

2007-04-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

At 6:30 yesterday morning I woke up and tried to ignore the fact that it was my birthday. Taking the advice of a valued friend, I decided just to pretend it's not happening. So, I dressed in my best and packed up for class. I figured at least I'd get to see Andy and maybe he'd remember my birthday. Walking to class I noticed that it was already a dreary day. It didn't really bother me, I like cloudy days because I like the shade of gray it gives to everything. So anyway, I headed to ceramics thinking that today would be a busy day where our teacher would actually teach us something instead of just letting us work on projects. When I got there he told us that all we were really going to do was load the kiln, listen to a presentation, and then we could leave early. Great, real productive. So he let us out of class early leaving me a half hour to kill. I decided that I'd treat myself to a bagel and a Naked and actually have breakfast. It was actually okay. My mood perked up a little and I got ready to go to Mythology. I was excited to see Andy, as he's become one of my favorites lately. When I got to class, he wasn't there, which was weird because he's usually early. About a minute before class starts, he finally shows up. By then I was tired and had a good 15 minutes to wallow in my sorrows about my birthday. I kept expecting him to realize it was my birthday, as we had talked about it last week, but I never said anything mostly because I don't like making people feel bad when they forget it and because I just didn't want to talk about it. Both of us were in a bad mood and slept through most of the class. By the time class let out, I was ready to just go home. When I got outside it had started to rain. And I had to walk by myself because Andy had to ask the teacher some questions. It was then, walking alone, through the rain, on my birthday, that I hit rock bottom. But the best part about that, is that when you hit rock bottom, there's no where to go but up, right? Which is exactly what it did. By the time I got home, I had dried off a little and I made myself some lunch, took a shower and watched some O.C. I was already feeling better. Then at three, I met my brother and we headed to Grand Island to meet the parents for supper. I got a new comforter (exactly the one I wanted), new shoes (because the bottom broke off the ones I was wearing and it made a clicking sound the entire time we were in the store. it must have really bothered my mom because she was the one to suggest new shoes), and I got some money to use when I go visit Kayla this summer. That was the best gift of all of them. It really means a lot to me that I get to go to St. Louis this summer to visit her and knowing that they not only support, but also fund the trip makes me feel a lot better about it. I'm so excited. So, after my morning of sulking, it turned out to be a pretty good day. And even though Andy didn't remember my birthday Joe from ceramics did. It's weird. We have so much in common, but yet so many differences. He's a really nice guy, though. I was working on my ceramics until 1AM on Sunday and Joe was there as well. We talked a lot. We have similar music tastes. I think he was kind of surprised. Anyway, the day went better than I thought it would.

suckiesadiesucksdick

2007-04-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

i just decided that being jealous is a waste of my time. i'm done. i give up. it's just not worth it.

busy birthday

2007-04-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

So far, April has been kind of crazy. Between projects and papers and working and trying to get ready to move, it seems like I have to really take advantage of my free time, which as of recently has been spent watching season 2 of the OC, which I bought for myself for an early birthday present. Yeah, yeah, I know, the OC may not be the most intellectually stimulating show in the world but I figure everyone has their vices, mine just involve teenage drama performed by actors in their late twenties.
I've spent most of the evening working on my ceramics projects and am getting ready to head back over to the studio to finish up. Today is the last day for wet clay. What a bitch. Let's just say that pottery isn't exactly my forte. All of my pieces kind of look like crap. Oh well. My teacher likes me because I show a genuine interest in art and ceramics and always tell him when we discuss something about pottery in my ceramics classes. I just wish I didn't have so much to do. I have 2 papers, one of which is over a book i've never read and probably won't, a test for a class I haven't been to in over a week, 20 pieces of pottery, and various assignments for some other classes. All of which is due within a week of my birthday. Happy birthday to me. Eh, oh well. My birthday can't suck as bad as it did last year. I don't remember why but Kayla was pissed off at me so I ended up walking around the mall by myself for a few hours. It was so depressing. This year i'm going with my brother to Grand Island to meet my parents for dinner. I'm getting bedding from them. I'm excited. 20. What a weird age. I'm not old enough to (legally...) drink. But yet, i'm old enough to have bills to pay and be responsible for myself. It kind of sucks. It would have been nice to be able to ring in my twentieth with a special someone in my life, but it looks like that's not going to happen. Oh well, next year, maybe.

for the lion that i love

2007-04-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

"i've been breaking my back with the weight of your heart"-The Cinematics

five

2007-04-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

Charley is:

1>Excited for MuteMath!
2>Angry at herself for wanting things she can't have.
3>Hoping for good weather tomorrow.
4>Dreading all the homework she has to do :[
5>Soooo ready to move...

bad luck, thats what

2007-04-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

In response to Holly's question, When I went to turn in our applications, the lady (jen) told me that they didn't have anymore of those. She told me to call her back later that night to see if anyone turned in notice that they were moving out because maybe then they'd have one. So, I called her back that night, while I was at work, and she was like "Oh, yeah! It looks like we do have one opening up!" and I was so excited. "Oh, my gosh, you don't know how much better that makes my day!" I said and it wasn't two seconds later before she said "Oh, wait...that's at a different complex. Nope, still don't have anything." fuck. thanks a lot for that. Then she told me that they still currently had a 2bd 1ba left, but she couldn't promise that it would be there tomorrow when I dropped off our applications because they had rented 4 apartments within a half-hour that day. fuck. But the next day I went in and and turned in the applications and they still had a two bed one bath available so it looks like that's where we'll be. Which, i'm still excited about. I hate that I have to share a bathroom. My friend Andy didn't make me feel better about it today, either. He just bought a new house (yes HE bought a new house...rich kids. its okay, i love him anyway) and there's a girl moving into his house with him and his other friend. He started talking about how awkward it is to share a bathroom with someone from the opposite sex that you aren't either married to or dating or related to. And i'm like...uh...story of my life as of 4 weeks from now. Thanks, Andy. He has nothing to worry about anyway because his house has 2 bathrooms. Lucky duck. On the brightside, we'll live pretty close to each other, actually. He's gonna be on 20th and South and i'm gonna be on 17th and F, which if fairly close. I'm excited. He's pretty cool. He's a lot like me in some ways. Humor mostly. AAAnyway...to sum things up we're not getting the 2bd 2ba because i have the worst luck ever. Lovely. I blame my sacreligious behaviour. eh, oh well.

one bath fuck

2007-04-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

okay...so i guess we DONT have a place to live. haha...fuck. fuck. fuck.
oh, and i don't get my own bathroom.
fuck.

Apartment Hunting

2007-04-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

So, I think we've figured out where we're gonna live. It's nice to have it figured out; it really takes some weight off my shoulders. It's a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment with a loft. We went to look at them this weekend. Aaron came with us. We looked at the three bedroom apartments and Aaron was really excited about them. He had pretty much decided that he wanted to move in with us. Nick and I were really excited. We got all set with applications and everything and headed back to Aaron's dorm to fill out our paperwork. It wasn't 15 minutes before Aaron had a little panic attack and decided that he wanted to stay in the dorms. I don't really get it. I hope he's okay. I think he's afraid of growing up. Maybe he just likes the dorms, I don't know. I just think that he's been going through something with Rianna and I think it's bothering him. I don't want him to regret his decision later. Anyway, after Aaron told us the bad news, we went back to my apartment to try to find something else. I think we were both a little shaken up by the emotional roller coaster we were on with Aaron because we both felt a little sick. A cup of tea and a glass of water later, and we were feeling better. In the end we decided to go with the 2bd 2ba because we'd be more comfortable having the extra space and the extra bathroom. I guess, overall, the weekend was good. I got a lot done on my paper for mythology, I got caught up on my ceramics projects, and I hung out with Nick and Aaron. And, it was nice having them around. I think living with Nick will be good. I'm still really nervous about it, but I'm definitely feeling better about it.

friend

2007-03-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

i am such a good friend. and it hurts. a lot. i hope you're greatful. because it's killing me.

fuck the girl from seoul

2007-03-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

i'm so bummed. and it's so stupid. i hate that. i can be such a girl sometimes. life can be such a let down sometimes. and on top of this, i have an art history test tomorrow and i have yet to study for it. i just can't focus now.
on the bright side(there's always a bright side) today i got to hang out with Gary, my brother's boss's son. he's a computer genius. and way adorable. he is so shy though. he doesn't say much. but i'm a sucker for the smart, kinda geeky ones. i can't help it. it's a weekness. he was trying to fix my computer today. i've got news for ya, gary, it didn't work. it didn't even bluescreen like it was supposed to. sadly, i'm not all that dissappointed...this means another day with gary. maybe he'll open up a little this time. i doubt it. oh well, i can always enjoy the view, right? ;]
my goodness...i am SUCH a girl.

50 Questions

2007-03-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

A girlie question answer thing. I couln't resist.
What color is your bra?
Black

Hair, up or down?
Generally it's up, but I like it down

Do you straighten your hair?
If I don't, I look like a lion...Raawwrr!

Do you worry about the size of your boobs?
Constantly

Whats your favorite girly magazine?
Cosmo, i guess...does Martha Stewart count as a 'girlie' magazine?

What is your Favorite mascara?
eh, as long as it's black

Small or large purse?
It depends on where i'm going. (i change purses frequently)

In your purse, what are your must haves?
money(or lack there of), lotion, sunglasses, and some sort of lip gloss. you'll find a book every
once in a while, too.

Jeans or skirts?
jeans

Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
Sadly, yes, i'm a slave to my style.

Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
Again, sadly...yes.

What your favorite color?
too many to choose, but I guess turquoise or teal

Do you consider yourself girly?
To an extent

Heels or Flats?
Usually flats.

Do you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Usually right after the movie for some reason.

Would you leave the house without makeup on?
If I didn't have time to put some on, yes, but out of laziness, no.

Walmart or Target?
Target

Do you consider making out "unladylike"?
Hmm...maybe if it was in a nice public place, but usually no.

On the scale of 1-10 how fun is shopping?
around an 8.75

Are you spoiled?
Yeah, I guess.

Do you think lipgloss is the best?
The best compared to what?

Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
Just Grey's Anatomy

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Depending on whether I showered that morning or night before 30-60 min.

Accessories make the outfit: true or false:
absolutely true

Do you like sk8ter boys?
I like all boys ;]

Do you often wish there was something about you, you could change?
Yes, Lots of things. inside and out.

Gold or silver?
Well, for nice jewelry-silver. but for everyday accessories-either.

Do you dress up too much for holidays?
Probably, but by accident

Do you like to wear dresses?
I like them, but I don't like the way I look in them

Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
I'm a terrible poet

On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
It depends on the guy. Sometimes a 10.

In the past 24 hours have you hung out with a guy?
Andy from Mythology.

PIR

2007-03-28T08:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't understand the Price is Right. I mean, what makes sense about a prize consisting a lovely set of power tools and a brand new sofa? Uh...thanks, Bob.

virus

2007-03-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

damn virus.

so, i went home this weekend. saw the parents. saw Nigel. it was awesome. i had so much fun. i was kind of suprised at just how much fun i had. i mean, we were in a high school with 35 jr. high/high school kids who definitely did not listen to punk rock. but it didn't bother the band at all. Nigel was great. i haven't seen them play since Rock-a-Wish last year and they have improved sooo much. i'm glad i went. it was much better than sitting at home. so, that was my weekend. i got a new ipod. yay! but i can't use it until i fix my computer and its stupid virus. i just don't have the time to fix it. it always shuts down right when i need it. ugh. what a pain in the ass. i can't wait for summer to get here. i'm so done with school. anyway, i guess that's all i have for now. cheers!

SPRING!

2007-03-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

photo by: http://suchinpak.deviantart.com/

So, today is officially the first day of spring. Walking to class this morning I didn't even need a jacket. It was kind of surreal. It's been so long since i've walked to class without my usual shiver. Today I was a little warm. It was great. It makes me want to go places and just be outside in the sun. Although, it is supposed to storm tonight, which seems a little odd, considering it was blizzarding not long ago. I guess that's Nebraska for you. I'm so excited about spring. I'm even more excited for summer. I'm so over my classes right now. It pains me to sit through them anymore. I hate that phase. In about a week i'll panic because I have 2 papers that desperately need to be written but I just cannot work up the motivation to get it done. Silly procrastination... Anyway, i'm off to the bank to deposite the rest of my tax money. (yay! :])
My advice for everyone today is to go outside. Experience the weather. Walk, run, sit, write, paint, golf, ride a bike, or do whatever tickles your fancy, but most of all, enjoy it.

from the mind of me

2007-03-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

"Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events---indeed, he is very, very lonely---but he never goes anywhere because he's very nervous about meeting new people. Too many people will be there and crowds only make things worse for him. The thought of meeting new people scares him---will he know what to say? Will they stare at him and make him feel even more insignificant? Will they reject him outright? Even if they seem nice, they're sure to notice his frozen look and his inability to fully smile. They'll sense his discomfort and tenseness and they won't like him --- there's just no way to win --- "I'm always going to be an outcast," he predicts. And he spends the night alone, at home, watching television again. He feels comfortable at home. In fact, home is the only place he does feel completely comfortable. He hasn't gone anywhere else in twelve years."

"A woman hates to stand in line in the grocery store because she's afraid that everyone is watching her. She knows that it's not really true, but she can't shake the feeling. While she is shopping, she is conscious of the fact that people might be staring at her from the big mirrors on the inside front of the ceiling. Now, she has to talk to the person who's checking out her groceries. She tries to smile, but her voice comes out weakly. She's sure she's making a fool of herself. Her self-consciousness and anxiety rise to the roof..."

"Another person sits in front of the telephone and agonizes because she's afraid to pick up the receiver and make a call. She's even afraid to call an unknown person in a business office about the electric bill because she's afraid she'll be "putting someone out" and they will be upset with her. It's very hard for her to take rejection, even over the phone, even from someone she doesn't know. She's especially afraid to call people she does know because she feels that she'll be calling at the wrong time -- the other person will be busy -- and they won't want to talk with her. She feels rejected even before she makes the call. Once the call is made and over, she sits, analyzes, and ruminates about what was said, what tone it was said in, and how she was perceived by the other person....her anxiety and racing thoughts concerning the call prove to her that she "goofed" this conversation up, too, just like she always does. Sometimes she gets embarrassed just thinking about the call."

"A man finds it difficult to walk down the street because he's self-conscious and feels that people are watching him from their windows. Worse, he may run into a person on the sidewalk and be forced to say hello to them. He's not sure he can do that. His voice will catch, his "hello" will sound weak, and the other person will know he's frightened. More than anything else, he doesn't want anyone to know that he's afraid. He keeps his eyes safely away from anyone else's gaze and prays he can make it home without having to talk to anyone."

"In public places, such as work, meetings, or shopping, people with social anxiety feel that everyone is watching, staring, and judging them (even though rationally they know this isn't true). The socially anxious person can't relax, "take it easy", and enjoy themselves in public. In fact, they can never fully relax when other people are around. It always feels like others are evaluating them, being critical of them, or "judging" them in some way. The person with social anxiety knows that people don't do this openly, of course, but they still feel the self-consciousness and judgment while they are in the other person's presence. It's sometimes impossible to let go, relax, and focus on anything else except the anxiety and fear. Because the anxiety is so very painful, it's much easier just to stay away from social situations and avoid other people altogether."

"Welcome to the world of the socially anxious."

well...i guess that pretty much sums it up. and the worst part about it, is that i feel bad for thinking these things. it's like 'oh, charley, get over yourself' and it just makes it worse. so there you have it, folks. everyone has issues right? these are mine.

the nest

2007-03-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

So I might actually get to go home this weekend. It'll be the first time since Christmas. I'm excited to see what my parents have been up to. (They like to putter...they don't have much else to do...) It's gonna be weird to be back. I think i'll enjoy it, though. It's nice to go back every once in a while. Although, I don't see how some people can go back every weekend. I can if it's their first year, but when you're like a sophomore or a junior then it starts to get a little sad. I mean, it's time to leave the nest, okay?

spring break...how i'll miss thee

2007-03-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

Well, spring break is over, and I am really bummed out about it. I have done nothing this week besides work and the occasional meet-up with a few friends. I really enjoyed that though. It was so relaxing to be able to sleep in late or to have some extra time to take a walk in the nice weather, to catch up on lost hobbies like my guitar or my knitting. To have time to clean my apartment, to open the windows and let the sunshine in has been the highlight of my week. But, now it is time to get back to classes and quizzes and homework. Back to the daily grind. Oh well, I guess i'll just look at is as just getting these last two months or so done. Then I will be free.

sjjlall;ajlj;ljk;jklalk;jakj;s

2007-03-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

migraine, migraine, migraine. Second one this week. lovely.

Swallow Hard, Love Happens.

2007-03-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

Jealousy. For me, it sits in my throat just before my mouth. It drips into my stomach and leaves a bad taste. I take a drink of water, turn up my music and try to ignore it. There's always someone. Something. It's always there. Sometimes I successfully defeat it and become in control of it. Swallow hard, it'll pass. Tennyson said "'T is better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all." I've never been a big fan of Tennyson. I'd much rather love things I can be in control of. The sweet taste of Honeydew. The melody to my favorite song. A piece of art has never failed to capture my heart. It's also never broken it. I'm not shutting out the possibility of being loved or being in love. My parents have shown me that it does exist, no matter how rare it may sometimes seem. They've spent nearly everyday together for over 25 years. At work, at home, they're always together. Love happens. Maybe even for me, someday.

THE apartment

2007-03-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

eeeeeeeee!! I think I found some apartments! I'm so excited! And guess who is going to get their own bathroom....ME!! It's on 25th and J and it has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms w/ a loft. I'm so stoked. It's even priced well for the size of the apartment. I'm SO excited...

ffiwaopnva;bnoamnvklfds;vamklvmlka;

2007-03-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

damn migraine. why must you come while i'm at work?

A Hunting We Will Go...Apartment Hunting That Is.

2007-03-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

Apartment hunting is stressful. I just want to find something reasonable and in a decent area. I would LOVE to have 2 bathrooms, but that usually jacks the price up drastically. I just don't really feel comfortable sharing a bathroom with two boys. I'm too self concious being a girl. Not to mention the fact that I have all my girlie stuff: make-up, hair stuff, all of my shower stuff which includes 2 different kinds of shampoo/conditioner, body wash, body scrub, in-shower lotion, shaving stuff, and face stuff, not to mention all of my feminine "products." Ugh. It's not that I have anything against boys and the way they keep/use the bathroom, it's just that I don't really like sharing a bathroom with anyone let alone two guys. I guess i'll just have to deal with it. Maybe i'll just keep all my stuff in a basket and cart it with me like when you live in the dorms. That wouldn't be so bad. If Aaron lives with us, then I have a greater chance of getting my 2nd bathroom. But if he doesn't then i'll be sharing a bathroom with nick for the summer. Oh well, i'll deal with it. He used to live with his sister, and I guess I used to live with my brother. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think it will. I hope. I'm going to go look at a couple tomorrow and I hope the price is good. They're loft apartments, so they'd have two stories. I'm wondering if we could get maybe a 2 bedroom w/ loft and use the loft space as a bedroom...that won't leave much privacy though. I guess it depends on the space. Maybe it would work out. Who knows. I doubt it. We also talked about getting a house. That would be good, too. I just don't know where to look. I wish I knew what everyone wanted. I wish we could all get together one day and try to look for somethings. It's hard though, with Nick in Wayne. And I never see Aaron. Oh well, I just hope we get something figured out by mid-April. My lease runs out May 1st, so i'm going to have to talk to Lionsgate about letting me stay for a couple of weeks. I'd like to move, though right after classes are done. Maybe May 6th or so. I'm excited to move. I like moving. I like change.

let spring break begin!

2007-03-10T21:13:00.000-08:00

mmmmm...spring break. Do you know what I did today? Absolutely NOTHING. And you know what? It felt good. It was just what I needed. Now, hopefully I can use the rest of my week off to get some papers done, or at least started, for my classes and get some work time in.
State Basketball was this weekend. Thursday's game was so awesome. I had such a good time. The boys did such a good job, the game was so exciting. Friday night was kind of a let down, but it was still fun to see everyone from home. But my god, are out of towners bad drivers. They're called crosswalks, people, you stop BEHIND them. Oh well, I suppose I was that person at one time. But so far it's been a good weekend. I can only hope that tomorrow is just as relaxing.

2007-03-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm ready for the semester to be over. Next week is Spring Break, thank god, but I have a feeling i'm not really going to be able to enjoy it. My big plans include writing two papers and working as much as possible. Yuck. Oh well, maybe for once in my life i'll have a productive week. We can only hope. I don't even think I'll make it home during break, which shouldn't be too much of a disappointment, as there usually is not a whole lot going on in Loup City anyway.
So, kids, i'm at work right now, and i'm panicking because i'm afraid I won't get to leave early. And if I don't then I just know that I am going to fail my history test miserably. My lack of focus has been no help in getting any quality studying in. Damn it. Sometimes I'd swear I have ADD.
Although, what I have discovered is that I am the smoothie queen of the world. At least as far as I'm concerned, anyway. My parents gave me one of those Magic Bullet blender things for Christmas and I had never gotten around to actually using until this weekend. I decided to venture into the exciting world of smoothies. Just some frozen stawberries, pineapples, and oranges and I am in smoothie heaven. Let me tell ya, it is glorious.
But...on not such a happy note, I still don't know where I am going to live this summer. I hate it when you think everything is going to work out and then it's not going to and then everyone thinks they have a plan...and then of course it doesn't. And now, i'm stuck at the 'it doesn't' stage. Well, I guess i'm just stuck in Lionsgate for another 3 months. Damn it. I was sooooooo excited to live with actual people. I was actually excited about the summer. Now, I don't really have anything to look forward to. Work. Work. Work. Hopefully, this summer i'll make it down to St. Louis to visit Kayla and Steph. That would be fun. I'd like to take an entire week to go down.
Okay, since i'm at work...I suppose I should try to get something done rather than stand around.

procrastinator extrordinaire

2007-03-04T18:55:00.000-08:00

I really don't understand why I can't just get work done ahead of schedule. For example, I have a history test on wednesday, all essay, very important, and I have to work tomorrow and tuesday, which doesn't leave much time to study. Today I had the entire day off. A day to get whatever I needed to get accomplished done. But do you think that I could get some quality studying in? Do you think that I could get the dishes done? Laundry? Anything? Nope. I'm just physically unable to get something done unless I am down to the last minute. I have to feel the pressure in order to get moving on something. Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhh........ Like right now, I could be studying but instead i'm whining about my inablilities.
On the brightside, I have the good weather forcasted for this week to look forward to. I also can look forward to the Loup City state basketball game on thursday and seeing my parents. I think it's going to be a good week, as long as I can get through monday and tuesday. And wednesday, too. Oh, and thursday. And friday, when my mythology test is due. Fuck...it's gonna be a long week.

anger

2007-03-02T22:23:00.001-08:00

i'm angry as fuck.

Happy SIAD

2007-03-01T21:31:00.000-08:00

my lack of self-esteem is holding me back in life. just like it has been holding me down for years. it's the same reason I celebrate March 1st. i hope to get over this someday. i guess just not today.

yaya!

2007-03-01T08:37:00.001-08:00

All classes at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln are cancelled
today, March 1, and all offices and clinics are closed due
to a winter storm. Only those individutals required to report during
weather closedowns should report to work. Please check the Web for
information on scheduled performances.

Hell, Yeah!!!!!!

living situation

2007-02-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

fuuuuck. so, now I have no idea where i'm living over the summer. I was excited because I finally had some plans, plans that I was excited about and now I have nothing. I'm stuck at Lionsgate. The plan was to move in with Aaron and Nick and live in a house or a big apt. but now Aaron wants to go home for another summer which puts Nick and me in a pickle. The two of us can't really live somewhere for just 3 months, and he's already moved twice this year so moving after 3 months really doesn't sound all that appealing to him and I agree. fuck. I don't know. I guess my best hope is to talk Aaron into NOT moving home over the summer, or at least contributing towards rent for 3 months while we hold a room for him. Because, it sounds like Nick doesn't want to live with just me, and I don't blame him. As much as I want roomies, It would be a little awkward with just me and him. Ugh, I don't know. He's one of my best friends and living together could be very very bad. But at the same time, i'm desperate for a cheaper, happier living situation and I know he is too. fuck. Why is life so complicated?

boys, boys, boys.

2007-02-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

I am completely boy crazy. You'd think that a 20 year old girl would be over that whole, 'falls in like with everbody' phase. But, nope. I mean today, for example, I have fallen in like with Cory(mr. cute butt from cermaics-who likes my latest project, by the way...yay me.), Andy(new friend in mythology), Ryan (mr. amazing valet) and Andrew (cute puppy dog valet. *comes up to the desk shyly* "can i have a piece of licorice??" haha...he is too cute, trust me.) uuuuuugggggg......it gets old. Now, I mean, i'm not in LOVE with these boys...I just find them adorable. I blame Kayla. Afterall, we made a came out of "calling" boys last year. Much like you would call 'shotgun' or the last peice of something. It's all in good fun anyway. Okay, well, I suppose I should get back to work. There are managers all over the place watching me type this. I'm sure that looks good. Cheers, everyone!

Go Veg

2007-02-26T18:35:00.000-08:00

Charley is a vegetarian. Get over it. Gaaah...I feel like such a hypocrite. Considering my dad used to raise cattle to slaughter...'vegetarian' was a bad word in my house. Similar to 'John Deere.' But after living with Kayla so long, you begin to see that it is possible to be vegan/vegetarian and not be completely deprived of goodness. Not only that, but so far, I feel soo much better phisically and mentally. I never really thought such a small change would have such a great effect. I just feel better about myself, too. Like, i'm doing something for ME. I'm changing something about me, and I really like the change. I know that in the past I have said that I didn't understand vegetarianism, mostly because of overpopulation of animals and about how that is a cause of disease whatnot, but you know what, I highly doubt that one vegetarian, (especially in nebraska, the meat eating capital of the world...okay, I exaggerate) is going to make a significant change the the world. And, i'm not sure if this is a permanant change or temporary, like a test trial, or whatever, but for right now i'm enjoying it. I guess we'll se just how long I can last. Oh, well...go me, anyway, just for the effort.

aniME

2007-02-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

hee hee...look, it's a psudo-anime-tim burton-y version of me. hee hee. i think its kind of funny. i'm not sure it actually looks like me, but i think it's kind of fun. i think i've developed a bit of a crush on some forms of anime (as much as i hate to admit it). but there is this one artist from france who has a sort of french nouveau tim burton type of anime and it is sooo beautiful. she uses water color and ink and some other things and her drawings just turn out beautifully. i even sketched one of them and it turned out really good. i'd show you but some people on deviant art have a huge problem with displaying their art or copies of their art without their consent so i guess it will stay in my notebook. not to mention the fact that my scanner is a piece of shit and doesn't do justice to anything. but anyhoo, i'm off to watch the rest of the oscars. cheers!

snow....uuurrrrggggg............

2007-02-24T20:45:00.000-08:00

it snowed. fuuuuuuuuuuuck. i was so excited about the nice weather we've been having. i went to EVERY class last week. something, that doesn't usually happen. it was hard to stay cooped up in the house when it was so nice out. and now we're back to wet, cold, nasty snow. uuurrrrgggg....oh, and i was forced to get a new blog skin because the creater was having some image hosting problems and now i have to have a different one. that was the first one in a long time that i really really enjoyed...i think i could get it back, but the preview was slightly different than the original and it would bother me, so i'm using a different one by the same artist. i like this one, don't get me wrong, but i really liked the other one!! i'm going to go pout now...

ceramics project

2007-02-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

I am extraordinarily happy with the way my ceramics project is turning out. I'm finally done sculpting it and it is now ready to be fired. I'm so happy with the way it looks, though. See, the assignment was a figurative sculpture that has to represent the human form in some way. And the figurative-ness of it meant that it had to have some purpose or reason behind the design. My idea was to have a human head that had all of it's physical features kind of blurred with the exception of the ears, which would be in full detail and would have earplugs in them. The concept is that if you tune out the world, or try to not listen to what the world is trying to tell you, then you lose not only who you really are (facial features) but also that it blinds you/desensitizes you to the rest of the world. And I really can't believe how much my semi-finished product looks like what I had imagined. Now all I have to do is hope that it doesn't blow up in the kiln, or lose an ear or something like that. I would seriously cry. I'm so proud of it, I would just die if something happened to it. I think the reason i'm so excited about it, is that I was really doubting my skills in three dimensional work. Now, I really don't consider myself an artist, or anything like that, but I do enjoy art, and I want to enjoy all different types of media to work with. I really felt like my skills with ceramics were absolute crap. My first two projects certainly didn't show otherwise. Oh well, this project, so far (knock on wood) is more than making up for the other two. Eeeeeeeeeee! i'm soo excited!

thursday=love

2007-02-22T21:02:00.000-08:00

Today was such a good day. My ceramics class was so much fun, and the project i'm working on is finally coming together. I'm usually fairly bad at drawing human faces which, makes my decision to sculpt a human head a terrific idea... The first few days were a little rough, basically it was an amorphous sphere on a long neck. Now, it actually has a face and facial features. Our teacher was even really impressed with the nasal/mouth area. I'm stoked. I was just getting bummed out about my ceramics skills but I'm really enjoying working on this project. But it wasn't just my project that i'm excited about. I really like the group of people in my ceramics class. I had so much fun today. Me and this other girl just kept laughing. Everything was so funny.
After classes I took a nice long nap, had a veggie burger for supper, and watched Grey's Anatomy, and, to be honest, I felt a little dissappointed. The whole "caught between life and death" thing was a tish too much for me. I was like "just kill her already." Buuuuut....in the end, I'm happy Mer lived. The show wouldn't work without her. It would be too much drama and would have ruined the show.
Ahhh.....i LOVE thursdays.

AHist Test

2007-02-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

Okay...I am so excited. I had an Art History exam on monday, right? Well, I didn't realize this until sunday night at about 7:00. Whoops....Not to mention the fact that I hadn't been to class in the past 3 days...whoops again...So I looked over what notes I had and looked over the powerpoints she had on blackboard. And decided that staying up late studying notes I didn't even have wasn't going to do me any good. So I went to bed and got up and took my test the next day. I was so scared. I generally do not do well on tests that I do not study for. I just don't absorb knowledge like some people do, I guess. So, after the test I got myself all ready for what could be a very bad grade. Tonight when I checked my grade online, I braced myself for dissappointment. I pulled up the grade page and found out that I managed to pull an 87%. Not too shabby! I'm so excited. I shouldn't be that suprised. I'm so engaged in that class that everything seems to sink it. I never realized how much it helps to really like the subject that you study. And that folks, is why I am an Art History major.

2007-02-20T19:11:00.000-08:00

i still hate tuesdays.....

fuck war

2007-02-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

god, i'm such a liberal. sometimes it makes me sick.

a letter to a lion.

2007-02-17T16:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Cowardly Lion,

You say pretty things and sound so sincere. You make me smile inside and out. And maybe that's why it hurts so much that i'm here all alone and you don't care. Why, Cowardly Lion? Have you no heart? You've spent too much time with the Tin Man, it's clear to see. I know you have a heart deep inside; i've seen it break. I'm so mad at you, Lion. Why can't you just tell me what you feel? There is no Wizard, Lion. This Oz is not real. And no matter how frustrated I get, or how hurt I may feel, i'm always going to be here to hold your hand and skip down that yellow brick road with you, because I know you can't do it alone. I hope you find your courage, Lion. Because without it, you're breaking my heart.

With all my heart,
Charley.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

2007-02-17T14:09:00.000-08:00

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.
fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.
fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.
fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.
fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.
fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.
fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.
fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

sometimes life's a bitch. fuck it.

Steak and Blowjob Day

2007-02-16T11:40:00.000-08:00

another excerpt from my dear friend dave:

On his thoughts about Valentine's Day...

The paramount question is: where is the equality? Can men have a holiday that glorifies us and what we stand for? Clearly, V-Day is not about men. I’m not talking about the 4th of July, Memorial Day or Labor Day. Those are universal holidays celebrated by all Americans. Can this situation be rectified? In my opinion, there is a solution. The solution rests in the creation of Steak and Blowjob Day.

this guy is my favorite person on the planet.

2007-02-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

nothing ever goes my way.
fuck.

VD

2007-02-14T16:43:00.000-08:00

welp. it's valentines day. v-day. vd. like crabs. fitting, if you ask me. oh, it's not so bad, i suppose. i just don't understand a holiday built around love. christmas, i understand. easter, sure. even st. pats i get. i'm sure i'd feel differently if i had that significant other. someone to send me daisies. lilys. anything. little candy hearts that say "call me" and "i heart you." but no, i'm at work in a huge box where people eat, sleep, and rent dirty movies for 20.00 and pay in cash so their boss/wife doesn't see. i just want someone to be my valentine. although i say i don't believe in v-day, i want nothing more than the cheesy roses and chocolates and "i love you's" and kisses. i know it's sappy, but you can't help feeling like this on valentine's day.

best weekend. ever.

2007-02-13T21:40:00.000-08:00

I just had an amazing weekend. I got absolutely nothing accomplished and I don't even care. Kayla was in town for the weekend and I had such a good time. I really miss hanging out together. It was so great. The only thing that would have made the day better would have been if classes had been cancelled today, but of course, that can't happen. The sidewalks weren't even scooped yet when I went to class. I'm sure that the person who decides whether we have class or not drives a huge SUV and is from Alaska or something, because we ALWAYS have class. Ugh. Just one snowday, that's all I ask. I have to work tomorrow, i'm not all that excited. Oh well, It won't be that bad. I haven't been there in a while. I hope my schedule for this weekend isn't too bad. I doubt i'll have anything going on, but I still like to keep my options open. Well, i'm off to bed because tomorrow is going to be a long day.

memories.

2007-02-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

i love the way songs and smells take my mind back to certain places and people. i love it. i love knowing that if i'm ever missing something i can listen to a song or use a certain bodywash. i love it. fuled by ramen music makes me think of nick.my desk in the corner of my window. hating school. driving home from kearney. love and hate. coconut and lime bodywash makes me think of camping with the family. summer. scared of august. happiness. lightheartedness. weezer is holly. summers in the car. cruisin'. crushes. being crushed. 4th of july. giggles. keane is a broken heart. it makes me cry even years later. my aussi shampoo is the dorms. so is ramen noodles. laughing. craziness. joy. linen airfreshener is moving into my apartment. pain. lonliness. bad dreams. the redwalls are most definately drives home from lincoln. excitement. anticipation. love. the interstate. warm sunshine. fall. leaves. wonderful. aahhhh....i love the redwalls. i love scent and sound. i love connecting memories to senses. i love the way it feels.

andypoo

2007-02-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I got work off for monday, yay. I'm excited. It's nice having Kayla back for a while. I miss our craziness. I watched (most of) the Terminal today. I really want to watch it from start to finish, though, with no interruptions, because I think it was really good. Maybe i'll rent it one of these days. In mythology on thursday our teacher played us a bit of this movie called "Hedwidg and the Angry Inch" It's a movie about a sex-change operation gone wrong. It was very 'rocky horror.' Andrew had seen the movie before. He looked a little ashamed and then said that he has weird friends. He shouldn't have been ashamed. Knowing this only made me like him more.

zoe trope

2007-02-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

i was given a gift tonight. to have it, makes it almost as important to me as it is to her. i honestly dont think i'll ever go anywhere without it. ever.

i cry and i shake and i cant control it. or understand it. i hate being alone.

busiest weekend of my life.

2007-02-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

hmmm.....i'm feeling a little overwhelmed. this is going to be an interesting weekend. its going to be busy as hell, thats for sure. tomorrow i drive home with joe, hopefully either visit holly in kearney or spend quality time with the fam., then saturday is my cousins wedding and reception, then sunday i drive back to lincoln in the morning, hang with kayla, then at 7 i have to mix glazes for my stupid ceramics class, then hang out with kayla more, hopefully, then monday i either have classes and then omaha or omaha and then work. i'm scheduled but i would die if i had to work on monday. its her birthday and i NEVER get to see her anymore and i'm already missing so much of the weekend, to have to work on monday would kill me. i think i would call in sick if worse came to worse. its her birthday, i just CAN'T work. i want to go to omaha wither her and her boyfriend. i need it. i've been working hard in school this semester and working hard to make friends and i deserve a break. and its not everyday that kayla comes to lincoln, either. as pathetic as it may be, i still really miss her. i just cant help it.

Such Loveliness...

2007-02-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

Ahhh....peace at last. I love the feeling at the end of a day that you have been working really hard for. Wednesdays are always busy. Each week I have a recitation assignment and a quiz for mythology and today's history test was my second Wednesday test in a row. I spent all day yesterday preparing for this test. It was really important to me that I at least try to get a good grade. So, I toiled from 4 in the afternoon 'till 2 in the morning writing practice essays and paragraphs for the test. We had 4 short essays to write and 1 5-paragraph essay and he gave us several possible questions for each portion. I wrote out 3 of the 5 possible essays that could be on the test. It looked like I would be okay as long as at least one of the three I studied would be on the test. I'd be completely sunk, however, if he were to put the last two essays questions on the test. I figured I could BS my way through at least 3 paragraphs of either of the other two questions, so I wasn't TOO concerned. When I sat down to take the test, I looked immediately to the essay questions. Which one's did he pick? I was so nervous. I noticed right away that he had 3 question choices on the test rather than the 2 that he said there would be. This was good, it means I would have written out one at least. As I glanced over them I saw that they were, in fact, the 3 questions that I had written out. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders knowing that the hardest part of the essay portion was choosing which essay to write about.
So, overall, today was an outstanding day. My friend Andrew joined me in the Union before class, which was nice. I really enjoy him. If I were to describe his personality, it would be a mixture of Steph's musical knowledge, Nick V's intellectual-scientific views on things, my sense of humor, and even a splash of my brother's love of the outdoors. His family has a cabin on the lake. With jet ski's. sigh... and he's cute, too. It's like he's a combination of all of my friends. He even reminds me a little bit of Holly in the sense that we always seem to be laughing at the same joke...and generally we're the only ones.
Hmm....lovely, lovely, today has been lovely. Oh, except for the fact that it snowed without any warning and my feet were soaked by the time I got home because I was wearing ballet flats that do not fair well in the murky slush. And now I'm off to bed, because a good night's sleep sounds like the perfect ending of such loveliness.

fuck tuesdays

2007-02-06T21:44:00.001-08:00

i really really hate tuesdays.
arg....
and tests, quizes, and mythology recitation assignments.
arg...

prince

2007-02-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

did prince make a comeback when i wasn't looking?

The Bum Bum Bum....

2007-02-02T20:07:00.000-08:00

As I was walking down Q street in my clay covered, soaking wet pants, I realized that I am, quite truly...ridiculous. Let's just say that making clay isn't the neatest of jobs to do. I did, however, get a good 2 hours of seeing the nicest ass I've ever seen in. Oh and Holly...it is perfect. It's not too big, it doesn't protrude on the sides of his hips, rather it goes straight back, and it curves quite nicely. It is perfect. And no, I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoy his bum. It's almost like he knew it, too. When I walked around the stairs (I was late...go figure. eh, so being punctual isn't really my 'thing') He and Amanda, (the third part of our group) were coming down the stairs and maybe it was my beet red chest from the bitter cold and my lack of scarf but he was smiling as if he knew that I had been thinking about his bum since yesterday. It really wouldn't bother me if he knew. I just wish I wasn't so shy. Today when we were cleaning up the mixing room after we were done, I was completely soaked because I was the one running the hose, and I accidentally had my hand on the nozzle and sprayed right at him. Now, naturally, me being the sarcastic person I really am, would have said something right away about him being dry and it serving him right. But, considering I completely freeze around people I immediately start apologizing and begin to think that he's going to hate me forever. Luckily, I braved up a little and said, "eh, I just didn't think that everyone was wet enough..." which was okay, because he agreed and laughed a little, I think, so whatev. Oh well, I really wish I could let loose on people like I did at home. I have so much more fun that way. By the time we got done, my pants were soaked, covered in clay, my shirt was no longer the brown that it started, and I looked like crap. Oh, not to mention I fucked up the entire batch of clay. The recipe called for something called 'red grog.' Instead of the red grog we put in 'grog 10' which has a really heavy grain to it. I was the one who put it in, even though neither me nor amanda noticed a difference, so naturally, I take the blame for it. I didn't let it bother me too much as I normally would have in this situation, but I still felt bad. He seemed pretty peeved about it...oops, sorry cory. I still like your bum though...?

tomorrow

2007-02-01T21:16:00.000-08:00

the parents are coming tomorrow.
my apartment is...fairly clean.
my eye is swollen. i dont know why.
and tomorrow i make clay with a guy who has the best ass i have ever seen.
tomorrow will be a GREAT day.
and trust me...it really is the best. ever.